My New Normal: A Motherless Daughter
Cant Believe its been one Month and a week that “She “has
passed away!. Left this world forever, not to be seen and heard anywhere
forever! She was my “Mother”! The only
person in the entire universe who genuinely cared about how I am?
I felt like sailing ship whose sailor has been murdered and
its moving clue –less in the ocean.
My World has crashed down forever is the feeling I had when
I read the one liner message on my phone about my mother’s death a month back
in my office! (The first info about my mother’s demise)
Nobody prepares you for the ugly storm of emotions that are
to attack you when you lose your parent. Infact no one can prepare you that
ways emotionally to take that roller coaster ride of emotions.
Shock, numbness, denial, anger, sadness, and despair I was experiencing them
altogether.
She wasn’t a perfect
pampering mother, (She had her own set of Ethics, and Rules which she always
followed) but her sudden absence in my life left me naïve, unprepared, lost,
vulnerable, orphanage not just literally but mentally and emotionally.
My mother suffered a silent heart attack due to high blood sugar
level. She was suffering from her kidney problem since a year and was on
dialysis twice a week. Being a diabetic Patient had made things even worst. But
was still living her normal routine life and was not expected to go this early?
I wanted to hug her tight when I saw her first time post her
death but was not allowed to… I felt liking killing those who were prohibiting
me. It took me a while to understand and gulp that she is no more and I have to
follow certain rules before her last rituals.
I am surprised but I dnt know myself how I became so strong
and acted as A Mother to my Mother (a still body now) during her last bath. I
hugged kissed her thousand times while dressing her up like a bride. Tears
rolling down my cheeks but I was suddenly so over protective and possessive of
her body in my arms. I kept staring those hands which used to caress me and the
eyes that were always waiting for my arrival.
I just so much wished at the moment that she comes back for
a while , stays for a while so that we can hear her speak, smile, express and
let her listen how much she meant to all of us.
A mother is a heart of the family… they are just not a good
words but I have felt them literally. We were all together, my dad, brother,
sister, relatives but my home never felt the same.
No one can ever feel that void in your life.
No one can ever love you more than your mother except God
She always remains incomparable!
Till you have your parents alive you feel you have a roof,
there is someone to scold you no matter what your age is, there is someone whom
you can consider for a advise/Sharing your stupid stuff ,you are still a kid to
someone, you can afford to be immature! Parents are your strength however old
they are. They are gems of your life which we often take grated for..
Time flies , today I have become A Mother –less Daughter
and living life normally (Never
emotionally) and Yes i know what She would expect me to be still to
be Strong for my kids, my family , for you
my mother . I wont disappoint you
I just wished to write few words to my mother today feeling
this letter will reach her up there!
Dear Mother,
I am missing you badly today,
Let me share something with you which I never could….,
With time I am feeling I am becoming just like you,
When I look myself in mirror, your words echoes in my ears…,
With each passing day I feel confused at times as mother, as wife, as daughter in law …I ask
myself …Are you entering in me or am I entering into you.
I do things and react the way u used to and I used to mock
about you.
I think and I find myself standing at the same place you
were standing at once …
And how I now remember your words …”Let you become a mother
and then talk to me!”
I so much want to talk to you about how I feel now, share
the same stuff and thank you many times for the valuable teaching you gave
casually which I always ignored.
But you are no where.. I just can’t find you to reassure yes
you were right! I have realized and yes - Your daughter will never let you down
and live up to your expectations, I Promise!
Just strengthen me more to learn to live without You.
Love you Forever and
ever Mummy! A tight Hug to you! Rest in Peace!
Dear God Please post this letter to her where ever she is!
I am sure it will bring her a tearful smile.
With Love – A Mother less Daughter
